Delayed Reaction

I procrastinate some, ie. this blog.  But this month has been insane.  Truly the craziest month of my life.  And it's been easier to think thoughts then post them.  But I am learning that internalizing your thoughts isn't always the best medicine.  So, can I be blunt?  I try to be as transparent as possible and I think God wants that from me on purpose:  it's my way of relating to people.  Anyway, the reason I have been MIA from my blog already is because I have been going through a minor depression.  Nothing severe;  I have my good days and bad days, but I have been struggling as I deal with it all.  It's led me to make some really stupid choices lately.  But I finally realized that I need to take accountability, and so I am now regularly seeing a counselor.  Saying that makes me feel like I am slightly pathetic because can't I handle it all on my own?  Apparently not, because that is where all my anxiety stems from:  I tried to take care of my dad after my mom left, and after my mom who became like a teenager; I tried to take care of my niece while my sister still was a teenager; I try to find the perfect major/career choice so I can make a difference in the world but feel like I fail so much that I keep changing my "calling;"  I've let various men use me as their "in-betweener" as they go from one relationship to the next....  And I am sick of trying because I fail.  Stability, it is what I am looking for.  And in order to obtain it, I need someone to take care of me right now, and that someone is God.  So I am on a search for the truth, something I should have done years ago.  Perhaps call it finding myself... perhaps call it looking at reality,  it doesn't matter.  What matters is that the Tammy who has tried to handle everything on her own is giving up, and grabbing hold of something much more precious:  the Truth that is Jesus Christ.   Understanding the love of Christ is the piece that's been missing for so long.   I am on a mission to be whole.  There is no stopping me.