If These Walls Could Speak
Amy Grant sang a song once that is the title of this blog. And it came to mind tonight as I sat crying on my Grandma's couch, with my mother holding me, and still feeling completely alone.... It's something I've dealt with my entire life. I've never not felt isolated, desolate. I know I am greatly loved by many. I don't take that for granted. However, I am known well by very very few. And as I cried my mom said to me, "You've put up walls honey that only you can tear down."
Have I? As I think back, I think of a 6 year old girl, at her own birthday party, feeling an outsider, and of being the tag-along of every bunch and never ever fitting in. And I've come to realize that I have probably put myself on an island. I can see loving people on another island, and yet, I can't join them. It's not that I don't know how to swim. I am too afraid to. I'm afraid of letting someone in the light of my small circle because, the rare time I do, I normally get hurt. Left high and dry without reason. I don't want to hurt anymore. So I put up these glass walls that encompass me tightly. Invisible barriers no one sees but I feel. Behind these walls I speak "I'm here! Please don't leave me out again. Please want me." But they can't hear, because of the walls that encase me in. My fear keeps me trapped. I am sick of feeling alone even when there are loved ones all around. I am sick of feeling unwanted. But the walls are up. I don't know how to pull them down. I don't know how to pull them down.
If these old fashioned window panes were eyes
I guess they would have seen it all
Each little tear and sigh and footfall
And every dream that we came to seek
Or followed after
If these walls could speak
They would tell you that I owe you
More than I could ever pay
Here's someone who really loves you
Don't ever go away
That's what these walls would say
2 Comments:
Perhaps this is why you and I are such good friends. We both struggle with being alone. As hard as we may try, letting people in is a struggle for fear of rejection (What is they REALLY knew me, but didnt love me?) or disapointment.
We are wonderful, beautiful, awesome, young women of GOD. When we let God in to our fears (Yes, we have fear of intimacy, whether we realize it or not) HE will heal us. I wish I could be with you at this time. For you, my dear friend, I am greatful for. And you know that no matter what, I am always here for you, no matter how far away I may be. You are in my prayers. God be with you.
tammy
i love you, girl.
i briefly read this earlier today and, i suppose, just kind of had you on my mind. i don't really know what to say to try to make you feel better, but let me try to encourage you with this...
as i was in church tonight, i looked around at all the walls and thought, 'you know, walls aren't always bad; just as long as you have a door.' so maybe that's the key...maybe you don't need to focus so much on figuring out how to pull the walls down and just ask God to help you build a door. i dunno, maybe not...just a thought.
tammylee, you are awesome! i mean that!
can't wait to see ya,
jacob
**by the way, i forgot about 'ladybug' thanks for reminding me
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