Only One Thought Away....

I'll absolutely preface this blog entry by saying I'm going to be a little personal here.... I really apologize if it makes anyone uncomfortable, but I do feel like this blog needs to be written.... and perhaps just even for my sake.... C'est la vie.

Most of you know a bit of my history: I'm literally almost half the girl I used to be. Many years ago, I weighed close to 90lbs more than I am now. I was pretty much always heavy growing up. At first, when really little, my mom and dad thought I was going to be a superstar athlete with my muscle tone; instead I became the funny, heavy girl with "pretty face." I had great parents who loved me unconditionally and supported me a million percent. They believed in me like no other. And I was never hurt or abused or mistreated by anyone. I did, however, get my fair share of comments, barbs, and jokes thrown my direction because of my weight. And, while as a grown-up I can dismiss them, as a little girl, a very sensitive little girl, I took them on pretty deep. I grew up believing, that while my family loved me, and God loved me, I obviously wasn't worthy of anyone else's love... and all because of the way I looked.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to play here that "feel sorry for what I went through" card because I have lived a blessed life. That I know very well. But I do want to talk about the thought process I was under. Somehow, I let little comments, little thoughts, play on my insecurities while growing up..... and to this day, despite the fact that I am almost 30 (AKA a real grown up), they still haunt me at times. Overall, I think I do pretty good with self-image. The whole "I may not be where I want to be, but at least I'm not where I was" is kinda my mindset. But sometimes those insecurities and belief of unworthiness rear their ugly heads.

I know I now get my fair share of male attention. I'm not blind to the fact that random men at Starbucks or Target will smile, stare, and come up with the dumbest excuses (and lines) to say hi to me. I'll nod and be polite and try to say something simple back, and sometimes I've taken it as false validation of my worth if I am having a bad day, but normally I just get frustrated. Frustrated because I know 6 years ago, they wouldn't have said a word to me, or glanced my way, or if they did, it would have been with a smirk. And, back then, it just silently confirmed to me, that despite great qualities I might have as a person, I just wasn't enough.

But see, one thing I get now is that I used those verbal and nonverbal cues to reinforce a belief, a stronghold in my life, that just wasn't true. I was believing a lie, and I was letting myself feed it (pardon the pun!) by what I thought other people were thinking. I hid by what I thought, I reacted by what I thought, and I believed off of what I thought. I was blaming everyone around me and their actions for my feeling insecure. But the truth is, it was me... I was believing the lie.

The Bible talks about being "transformed (changed) by the [entire] renewal of your mind [by its new ideas and its new attitudes]" (Romans 12:2 AMP). It takes effort, our effort, to change our thought patterns. I heard evangelist Christine Caine say this past week, "We are only one thought away from going back to the way we used to think." That really hit me when she said that: "wow, that's probably really true!" And yup, it is! I experienced it today. I had a friend ask me last night about some of the stuff I went through last year when my boyfriend and I broke up. At the time, some decisions he made, in turn, made me go back to believeing the "I'm not worthy of someone's love" lie. Since then, God's has healed me from the pain and helped me to move on... but, when rehashing some of those old emotions with my friend, I found that thought hit my mind again, "Will I ever be worthy?"... and, this morning, I found myself crying over it all... Let me clarify that, NOT crying over the ex-boyfriend, BUT rather crying over the lie. One line, one thought, and suddenly I felt like I did 6 years ago.

But see, the Bible also says, take "every thought into captivity" (2 Corinthians 10:5 (NKJV) .... and, this time, I did. This time, I spoke the truth about who God says I am (Psalm 139:14). I called that same friend who I talked to last night and said "Okay, I know I'm working myself up over something that isn't true" and she said, "Yes you are!" It was like a good slap in the face so I wouldn't sink into the lie any deeper. And it worked.

I'm a feeler for real! I definitely live off of my emotions, so I've had to learn to base truth and lies off of what emotion it invokes. See, when we believe lies the Devil throws our way, it causes fear, insecurity and distrust. Our action is to pull back, to curl up in a ball, and to live in chains. But when we believe the truth (which is only from above, Jesus is the truth -John 14:6), we have peace and trust. Our actions off of the truth allows us to walk in that peace. Despite the fact that I might feel insecure, or unworthy, there is no truth in that. Those emotions only come off of a lie; therefore, I know it's time to once more renew my mind to the pulling down of strongholds.

You know, I still don't have it down perfectly. I still look in the mirror and want to go straight to pointing out my imperfections. Sometimes I think "if I can reach that ideal body image" then, maybe just then, the lies will go away. But the truth is they won't. It's all about me, what I'm believing, what I am accepting about myself right now. It is my choice whether I will accept that lie or not.

It's kinda funny to wake up one morning and think that while all the time you've been blaming the world, perhaps it was you all along. When it comes down to it, it doesn't matter anymore why I thought the way I did, or how it affected my life. Rather, it's all about action I can, and do, take now. And I can honestly say, I have come to know for certain that "the truth shall make you free" (John 8:32 NKJV). I'm on a quest to walk in the liberty Jesus died to give me.

Anyway, just some thoughts from TammyLee. Peace and love.