Castles in the Sky

"You see things; and you say, 'Why?'  But I dream things that never were; and I say, 'Why not?'"— George Bernard Shaw

"The only thing that stands between a man and what he wants from life is often merely the will to try it and the faith to believe that it is possible."- Richard M. DeVos

I'm a dreamer.  I like to dream.  I like to think that anything is possible and that fairy tales do come true.  "I do believe in fairies! I do!  I do!"  And I think that is okay, because God wants us to dream big dreams; He is honored by them.  But I think I have forgotten to live in reality too.  Sometimes I feel like a walking ghost, skimming through my day without really understanding what I am doing because I am simply surviving but not living.  My daily routine:  I get up and make coffee in my French press (the best coffee in town!), I read my devotionals, I get ready, I go get food, I go to Nords, I read for hours, I go get more food, I go back to Nords, I contemplate working out, I come home, wash my face and go to bed.  Rarely does this routine change, except on the days I go tan!  Not a bad life but still, I walk through my day half asleep... it takes no effort.

To shake up my routine the past few days I have been going to see a few movies at the Tulsa Cinemark (the classiest theater I've been to).  I've gone 3 times in the past 4 days, wasting money on okay movies and good but fattening popcorn.  The other night I was walking out of the Cinemark after watching "A Cinderella Story" (don't even waste your time or money) when I saw the movie poster for "The Terminal."  Now "The Terminal" was a great movie, one I would recommend to anyone.  It's a story about a man whose country goes to war while he is on a plane to NYC.  Because of this, he is not allowed to enter the USA or return home, so he is stuck in the JFK airport for 9 months.  The airport doors are his freedom to the outside world and he often looks at them longingly.   He is quite literally in the midst of a holding pattern.  As I was looking at the movie poster the other night, the caption leaped out at me, "Life is waiting."  I stopped and stared at it, realizing that I have been in my own holding pattern.  I've gotten so use for waiting for life to start that I've forgotten to breathe.

I realize that I want to breathe.  I want to live.  "To make each day count."  Carpe Diem..... Well, you get the idea.  So if x + y = z, and I don't want z anymore, than I need to change x and y.  So I am.  And I've felt more joy living for today then I have in years. 

There is a story about two girls who were given beautiful boxes.  The first girl said, "I cannot wait till someone comes along and fills my box!"  So day after day she waited for someone to come fill her box, and no one did.  The second girl used her box daily, gathering flowers in the spring, bright leaves in the fall, and placing candles in the winter.  Every day her box was full and used by what she put in it.  The first girl grew disenchanted waiting for someone to fill her box, the second girl was daily blessed. 

So why I still have castles in the sky... (and good ones too!).  I am learning to daily fill my own box with small pleasures, and doing so makes me see how truly blessed I really am.  Life has been waiting, and I am finally living. 

Life is good.  God is better.

First Things First

No one can make himself pure by obeying laws. Jesus Christ does not give us rules and regulations— He gives us His teachings which are truths that can only be interpreted by His nature which He places within us. The great wonder of Jesus Christ’s salvation is that He changes our heredity. He does not change human nature— He changes its source, and thereby its motives as well.  -Oswald Chambers

A New Day has Come -Celine Dion

 
Inspiring quotes from Oswald Chambers and the great theologian Celine Dion....  Chambers quote leaped out at me this morning, and Dion's song is my theme for the moment.  A new day.....because His mercies are new every morning.  His truth is the first thing I see in my day.  It's beautiful to know that He doesn't give up on us.  I'm slowly seeing God's purpose in my life unfold, and it's amazing to look back and see all the decisions I have made work together for what will be.  God was preparing me.  He was setting things up.  And now He is revealing His will to me slowly and wonderfully.  I think that some of the greatest life decisions I will have to make have been revealed to me.... but I am yet to reveal them to others!   I will soon.  My parents know some details, but I am hungry to hold on to the promises of God so that no one can rob them from me.  And when it's time to share, I will.  Until then, I will keep you all in suspense!  But it's good... trust me!  And as my good friend Celine would say: 

I see the light in the sky, it's almost blinding me.

A new day dawns.

Delayed Reaction

I procrastinate some, ie. this blog.  But this month has been insane.  Truly the craziest month of my life.  And it's been easier to think thoughts then post them.  But I am learning that internalizing your thoughts isn't always the best medicine.  So, can I be blunt?  I try to be as transparent as possible and I think God wants that from me on purpose:  it's my way of relating to people.  Anyway, the reason I have been MIA from my blog already is because I have been going through a minor depression.  Nothing severe;  I have my good days and bad days, but I have been struggling as I deal with it all.  It's led me to make some really stupid choices lately.  But I finally realized that I need to take accountability, and so I am now regularly seeing a counselor.  Saying that makes me feel like I am slightly pathetic because can't I handle it all on my own?  Apparently not, because that is where all my anxiety stems from:  I tried to take care of my dad after my mom left, and after my mom who became like a teenager; I tried to take care of my niece while my sister still was a teenager; I try to find the perfect major/career choice so I can make a difference in the world but feel like I fail so much that I keep changing my "calling;"  I've let various men use me as their "in-betweener" as they go from one relationship to the next....  And I am sick of trying because I fail.  Stability, it is what I am looking for.  And in order to obtain it, I need someone to take care of me right now, and that someone is God.  So I am on a search for the truth, something I should have done years ago.  Perhaps call it finding myself... perhaps call it looking at reality,  it doesn't matter.  What matters is that the Tammy who has tried to handle everything on her own is giving up, and grabbing hold of something much more precious:  the Truth that is Jesus Christ.   Understanding the love of Christ is the piece that's been missing for so long.   I am on a mission to be whole.  There is no stopping me.