..passionately living life one thought at a time
I wanted to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas! There is so much I could say about the season but I think my friend Jacob summed it up nicely.
The Bible says that Mary treasured all the things that surrounded Jesus' birth and pondered them in her heart. I would encourage you all to really take the time to reflect on what the birth of Christ means, and store it up tightly... it is life to all who hears it.
Love and prayers.
Tam
Amy Grant sang a song once that is the title of this blog. And it came to mind tonight as I sat crying on my Grandma's couch, with my mother holding me, and still feeling completely alone.... It's something I've dealt with my entire life. I've never not felt isolated, desolate. I know I am greatly loved by many. I don't take that for granted. However, I am known well by very very few. And as I cried my mom said to me, "You've put up walls honey that only you can tear down."
Have I? As I think back, I think of a 6 year old girl, at her own birthday party, feeling an outsider, and of being the tag-along of every bunch and never ever fitting in. And I've come to realize that I have probably put myself on an island. I can see loving people on another island, and yet, I can't join them. It's not that I don't know how to swim. I am too afraid to. I'm afraid of letting someone in the light of my small circle because, the rare time I do, I normally get hurt. Left high and dry without reason. I don't want to hurt anymore. So I put up these glass walls that encompass me tightly. Invisible barriers no one sees but I feel. Behind these walls I speak "I'm here! Please don't leave me out again. Please want me." But they can't hear, because of the walls that encase me in. My fear keeps me trapped. I am sick of feeling alone even when there are loved ones all around. I am sick of feeling unwanted. But the walls are up. I don't know how to pull them down. I don't know how to pull them down.
If these old fashioned window panes were eyes
I guess they would have seen it all
Each little tear and sigh and footfall
And every dream that we came to seek
Or followed after
If these walls could speak
They would tell you that I owe you
More than I could ever pay
Here's someone who really loves you
Don't ever go away
That's what these walls would say
So, after almost 23 years of being a permanent resident, I am filing to become a citizen of the United States of America. It's about time!!! For years I have been saying that I would do this eventually; however, the desire to work in DC has helped speed along the process. I am almost like a dreamy high school student with an infatuation..... The idea of voting, signing petitions, and American pride is exciting! I finally get what this patriotism thing is all about.
God bless America
So the other day I am trying to escape the rain that for some reason has decided to drench Tulsa for the past few days. I am hurrying behind some people and trying not to slip on the slick pavement in my cheap flip flops when suddenly I slow down to check out the guy in front of me. No, he was not hot. In fact, he was in his 60’s I am sure. But what was interesting about this man was that he was wearing acid-washed Guess? Jeans, a style that was popular when I was a little girl. Acid-washed jeans, especially Guess? Jeans, were just about the coolest things ever next to a Swatch Watch (oh, and snap bracelets of course). It’s funny how a tubular style of the 80’s now looks completely tacky to me. That made me think of how quickly things change.
Who would have guessed that 90210 would now look tame compared to The OC? Who would have guessed that “Back to the Future” was not the greatest film ever made? Who would have guessed a best friend from a few years ago would now be a complete stranger? Who would have guessed that the girl who was afraid no one would want her now wishes most of them would go away?
I guess when it comes down to it, nothing stays the same but God. He is steadfast. He is the only constant. And I love that; it takes away the burden for us to always understand why. Instead, we just learn to trust Him. And He will show us He is the same yesterday (when the rad styles existed), today (when finals seem like they won’t end), and forever (with the hope of a new born baby wrapping it’s finger around his mother’s).
So I can look in the mirror today and smile at my wardrobe (which I think is stylin’) knowing that someday my daughter will tell me I looked like a dork. Maybe, but inside the Foundation of my heart will still be the same.
PS No offense to those who still have an affection for acid-washed jeans.
Yesterday I walked into chapel to the shouts of "We heart Tammy!!!" My floor, my wonderful floor, was congregated in a mass of white t-shirts that said "I <3 Tammy." I was then given a shirt that said, "I AM Tammy." It wasn't my birthday or even RA Appreciation Day, but rather they had decided to honor me as it was my last chapel as their RA. Amazing. I don't think I've ever felt so adored. We must have taken a million pictures afterwards and people kept coming up to ask us questions. I almost felt like a celebrity.
I think God uses people to show us how much He digs us. The compliments we receive, the favor we get... it's all God saying "This is how much I love you." It's funny.... my entire life I've looked for someone to notice me, for someone to say I was worthwhile, that I was smarter, prettier, better, then the next person. But somehow, that doesn't matter anymore. God thinks I am pretty cool, and loves me more than I can fathom. How incredible is that? I need nothing more.
